Sunday, August 14, 2011

Need a Laugh?

Lately, I find very little to laugh about. Between the things happening in Europe and the Middle East to what's happening right here in the US, I find myself frustrated to the point of tears. But you'll find no political rant here--only a few jokes to make you chuckle. I know, if I wrote down some of the zingers that passed between my husband and me, I could write a book. Instead, here are some jokes between spouses that have been circulating. Laugh. Though it'll be only temporary, enjoy the moment.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes”
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...


I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes," she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"
And that’s when the fight started...


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else
to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently
for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you
finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back,
now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

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